Since Paige was born I have on many occasions looked back on
my life and at the events and circumstances that
led me to this point.
Looking at my life through the rear view
mirror has been very thought provoking. I, like
many of you have been so busy driving
towards the illusive mirage, which from time to
time popped up and then just as quickly
disappeared. I have at times been so intent on
catching that illusive entity that I have missed
many of the wonderful things happening right
in front of my eyes.
In 2005 Chris and I decided that while it might
seem a little late in our lives, we would like to
have another child. Actually it was Chris who
would have the child I would watch admiringly
from the sidelines as she performed this
miracle.
In the time that Paige has come into the world
both Chris and I have (As many do) seen many
changes in our lives. I have lost both of my
parents very quickly and unexpectedly. Chris
lost two of her family members, one of whom
was only sixty. We have been thrust into one of
the worst recessions ever witnessed and we
have seen several wars consume our economies
and the lives of millions all over the world.
Like many of you, I have tried to make sense of
all of the events in my life, sometimes I have
achieved that end and sometimes I have been
left wanting, always I have been able to look
back through the rear view mirror and see
some good in most of the events.
War? Well having been in one I cannot see any
redeeming qualities for them.
Having children? I can only see the good
reasons for such a venture.
A few years ago one of my colleagues died of
cancer. She was only just 40 and while I cannot
say I new her well the event shook me because I
realised how fickle this thing called life can be.
This is what I wrote back then to try and make sense of her passing.
I woke up one morning and my whole world had changed. It
wasn’t as though I had planned it that way or even thought that
it might turn out that way, it just showed up like an unexpected
baby. Oh my god! I missed pregnancy and I have a three year
old who needs to be fed and clothed and who isn’t potty
trained!
So you run outside and yell at the sky as though it might rain.
All that happens of course is that the sun pops out from behind
a cloud and blinds you.
My friend died this year, she was 42. There was no warning
and I didn’t know how to say good-bye. All I could do was
look directly into the sun and yell at the sky and pray for rain,
so that it would put out the fire. She died of cancer, it stole her
life like an evil little uninvited monster which had come to
dinner, but had not been asked to leave.
I had the feeling that life was a precious but vulnerable entity
which, could be taken away without a moments notice by
something that had no understanding of the turmoil it would
leave behind. So I went to the doctors to have the mole on my
side checked out. It’s been there for ten years and being a man I
have never really thought that I could get sick, much less die.
Suddenly, after my friend had passed, I was aware of the fact
that one day I would in fact die also. Panic! I have a 13 month and
three day old daughter who comes to me with an awkward gate
in her walk and puts her head on my shoulder (I have to kneel
down) and hugs me. I know that she is 13 months and three
days old, because every day is special to me now. Every hug,
every moment in my life is a moment I could waste. Every
moment is one that if not used will dissolve into the forever of
never used time and, will not be regained no matter how hard I
try.
The mole is a wart and is not cancer. But, how that cancer can
spread, in the form of doubt and wasted time and lost hugs. The
nurse said I was healthy and living the life of a man fifteen
years my junior. I am 52 and Paige is 13 Months and three
days. How wonderful is life that we should have this gift, this
beautiful child who hugs me and calls everything daddy.
