The Surprising Thing About Parenting

Becoming a parent was a daunting thought for me. 

I was raised by a single parent, mostly in shambolic conditions. My mother did the best that she could and at the time my father spent his life running away from his problems, something that plagued me as an adult in later years. I new I did not want to make the same mistakes but because of my fear of failing, I failed.

They say, as a general rule we will either copy our parents or be the exact opposite. In much of my life I have been split down the middle, I have my mothers tenacity and my fathers capacity to dream, but I was determined not to have my mothers lack of confidence or my fathers cruel nature when I was a young child.

When I met Chris and fell in love, she wanted to have children before she was 25. My fears immediately came to the forefront and I froze. All of the ‘what ifs’ came rushing back to me; what if I turn out to be cruel, what if I’m a quitter, what if I fail and ruin my children's lives?

Finally it was my biological clock that went off. I was 38 and the fear of what if I did not have a family became more powerful than any sense of failure and trepidation that I might have welling up in in the background. I already had a son from my previous marriage who I had never seen and I was filled with fear and remorse. Again, what if, what if, what if?

I now have three amazing children who I am forever grateful for, they bring joy and inspiration into my life every day and I feel blessed.

My son who is 28 has just made his first run at a Political Office in America. This takes courage and character to step into that arena, he is doing and not talking as so many do. He has been married for three years to a wonderful young woman who I am lucky to call my daughter-in-law. My eldest daughter who is 19, took a year off a year away from Education and stood up to peer and teacher pressure as they all wondered how she would ever get by. She has worked full time and has decided in that year to become a Paediatric Nurse, in September she will start that journey. My eight year old daughter has a passion for life that is insatiable. I am fortunate that I have one more go at watching a child blossom into an adult.

I am so honoured to say that I am a Dad, it's the best thing that has ever happened in my life. These young people all display the qualities that I always wanted in a family; they are brave and they care about the world they live in. They have a moral fibre and want the best for others as well as themselves. They work hard every day to change the world they live in and make it a better place.

Everyday I am inspired and surprised at what they do and achieve and I feel humbled in the paths they have chosen to take.

Live Life to the fullest. No Excuses, No Regrets.

The Importance Of Finding Your Tribe

I know I have written a lot about the fact that I am competing in the London Triathlon and I apologies for the fact that it might seem a little gratuitous. What I have discovered in the writing though has surprised me, not just about my fitness, but about the things that I have discovered about myself and others who are on a similar personal quest.

Tonight was an open water session and there was not a a one of us who, while excited was also a little nervous about hitting the lake and feeling that cold water take your breath away. 

Today though was about after the session. We meet at Denham Lake every Thursday, the place is both beautiful and serene and at the same time rustic and a little rough around the edges. The thing that I realised tonight though, was that we had become a Tribe and in that Tribe we have found a common ground.

In the 38 of us that have signed up for this years event, the age, athletic level and personal goals differ. We have one member of the Tribe who has just completed the Lanzarote Ion Man and then at the other end we have a member of the Tribe who is working on building up to actually being able to complete the 750 swim as the swim leg member of a team. Thing is though, in the club house tonight we also had every level of employee role from the head of the organization to a couple of front line retail employees and everything in between. What struck me was in becoming this Tribe, there was no rank and no talk of work. We were there for other reasons; friendship, commonality, a combined sense of purpose and personal challenge. We were there to support each other and talk openly of triumphs and challenges. We shared a beer. We laughed at our common musings and ribbed each other in jest. But our common sense of being, our identity as a Tribe with a common cause, was apparent.

It makes me think, as we are growing up as children and then on into young adults, do we steer away from what we know is our Tribe because of peer pressure or because of our parents opinions. Our Tribe may not be what we think of as conventional, we may love our work but we may be only truly comfortable at the stamp collectors club or within the Theatre community and maybe then only within the group of unsung heroes who make up the Tech Team. It may be we find our true family as the volunteers who put on Triathlon events and not the ones who participate. What you do is less important than being a part of the Tribe who you do it with. When I lived in America I owned a Jeep Wrangler and every time I drove by another person in a wrangler we waved. It was only wranglers and not other jeeps. But is was being part of that Tribe which made it cool.

What is your Tribe? What is it that makes you feel a sense of belonging? How can we support our children by helping them find their Tribe.

Be Well!

What Do The Medals Mean?

Today I realised I had started to accumulate a bunch of medals and brightly coloured swimming caps and I wondered what they meant and why?  

Today I completed in my first open water swimming event, it was part of the Humanrace event program. Their tag line is ‘Humanrace Crossing The Finish Line Together.’ 

I started small, completing the 750 mtr event and I was ragged and thrilled at the end of it. Meanwhile, others were competing at the 1500, 3000, 5000 and 10,000 mtr, yes you did read correct Ten Thousand Metres!

As I stumbled out of the water exhilarated and weak, there was a guy waiting for me with a medal and some enthusiastic words of praise “Well done you made it, now you can relax.” as I stumbled he said “Not that relaxed.”

It struck me afterwards that as I get more and more into this weird passion I have found in my middle age years, I am starting a little collection of medals and swimming caps and I wondered what they meant. What they meant to me and others who got them? What did it say about me to other people? But most of all, how did it make me feel about who I have become. The answer to that question, like so many others that have to do with matters of the heart must start with a question; WHY? Why do we do what we do.

Several years ago at my previous place of work, there was a young guy who was a Triathlete. After much pondering and asking why and many questions, I came to the conclusion that there were two hopes of me doing a Triathlon, No Hope and Bob Hope and Bob Hope is dead. In 2013 in my current place of work I stumbled across our in house fitness program and there it was, a 5K race. In a moment of madness I signed up, I was putting on a little middle age spread and the training would be good for me. Then by osmoses I blundered into the Triathlon taking 7 of my colleagues with me. (They felt sorry for me) The following year it was 17 and this year we are up to 36. I know why they do it, they do it for themselves. It’s a statement of achievement and personal accomplishment. We do it because deep down inside there is a desire to try and be better than we see ourselves, better than other peoples doubts and societies limitations. I do it so that others might follow in the wake of their self doubt. It’s my way of leading, it’s a way of confirming my humanity and those who chose to challenge themselves and follow.

There is no right way to to this. Some strive to be better Teachers and Nurses, some want to be the best Parents and Partners others want to be amazing Carpenters and Waiters. The list is as endless as the imagination will allow. The point is, is it not about athletic prowess, it is about being the best, what ever thing it is that makes you smile and come alive, find that and you will find your happiness, take some people with you and allow them to be happy too, you have that power.

It's not about the medal it's about the person you become who receives the medal.

The Human Race, Crossing The Finish Line Together.

Looking Back At Life Through The Rear View Mirror.

Over the last eight years 

Since Paige was born I have on many occasions looked back on

my life and at the events and circumstances that

led me to this point.

Looking at my life through the rear view

mirror has been very thought provoking. I, like

many of you have been so busy driving

towards the illusive mirage, which from time to

time popped up and then just as quickly

disappeared. I have at times been so intent on

catching that illusive entity that I have missed

many of the wonderful things happening right

in front of my eyes.

In 2005 Chris and I decided that while it might

seem a little late in our lives, we would like to

have another child. Actually it was Chris who

would have the child I would watch admiringly

from the sidelines as she performed this

miracle.

In the time that Paige has come into the world

both Chris and I have (As many do) seen many

changes in our lives. I have lost both of my

parents very quickly and unexpectedly. Chris

lost two of her family members, one of whom

was only sixty. We have been thrust into one of

the worst recessions ever witnessed and we

have seen several wars consume our economies

and the lives of millions all over the world.

Like many of you, I have tried to make sense of

all of the events in my life, sometimes I have

achieved that end and sometimes I have been

left wanting, always I have been able to look

back through the rear view mirror and see

some good in most of the events.

War? Well having been in one I cannot see any

redeeming qualities for them.

Having children? I can only see the good

reasons for such a venture.

A few years ago one of my colleagues died of

cancer. She was only just 40 and while I cannot

say I new her well the event shook me because I

realised how fickle this thing called life can be.

This is what I wrote back then to try and make sense of her passing.

Life Change

I woke up one morning and my whole world had changed. It

wasn’t as though I had planned it that way or even thought that

it might turn out that way, it just showed up like an unexpected

baby. Oh my god! I missed pregnancy and I have a three year

old who needs to be fed and clothed and who isn’t potty

trained!

So you run outside and yell at the sky as though it might rain.

All that happens of course is that the sun pops out from behind

a cloud and blinds you.

My friend died this year, she was 42. There was no warning

and I didn’t know how to say good-bye. All I could do was

look directly into the sun and yell at the sky and pray for rain,

so that it would put out the fire. She died of cancer, it stole her

life like an evil little uninvited monster which had come to

dinner, but had not been asked to leave.

I had the feeling that life was a precious but vulnerable entity

which, could be taken away without a moments notice by

something that had no understanding of the turmoil it would

leave behind. So I went to the doctors to have the mole on my

side checked out. It’s been there for ten years and being a man I

have never really thought that I could get sick, much less die.

Suddenly, after my friend had passed, I was aware of the fact

that one day I would in fact die also. Panic! I have a 13 month and

three day old daughter who comes to me with an awkward gate

in her walk and puts her head on my shoulder (I have to kneel

down) and hugs me. I know that she is 13 months and three

days old, because every day is special to me now. Every hug,

every moment in my life is a moment I could waste. Every

moment is one that if not used will dissolve into the forever of

never used time and, will not be regained no matter how hard I

try.

The mole is a wart and is not cancer. But, how that cancer can

spread, in the form of doubt and wasted time and lost hugs. The

nurse said I was healthy and living the life of a man fifteen

years my junior. I am 52 and Paige is 13 Months and three

days. How wonderful is life that we should have this gift, this

beautiful child who hugs me and calls everything daddy.

I cannot lay an egg, however I believe I am a far better judge of an omelet, than any chicken alive.

So what does that have to do with Politics? 

Well it’s simple really, we are the end users of the outcome of the political machine. We are the ones who operate the finished product and after an election it is the people who are the many parts of the machine, the nuts and bolts so to speak. It is this thinking that has got me to view government as a very much non existent entity, at least it does not exist in the way that many people wold like to think of it.

I believe we see government as a mechanism which works tirelessly for us 24 hours a day. 

Now think about that statement and then consider the following. Let’s take for instance the idea that if we are out of work government should create jobs for us. We hear this all the time and mostly from politicians wanting to be elected. This does not really work for many reasons.

1. We have moved increasingly quickly in the last fifteen years since the advent of the internet, from a country which manufactured things to a country driven by the service industry and into the digital age. and I believe that we are still in the middle of making and understanding that transition. If you ask many young people who are getting ready to leave school and consider their future, if the service industry is one for them, many will turn up their noses at the idea. However the service industry is one of the fastest growing in many once industrial driven countries. This is driven by the private sector and not the government.
2. So lets say we go to the job centre and ask for a job. Many of the people working their do not want to be their in the first place and are also looking for the same job as you are, you know, that dream job. At the end of the day they leave and go home to their children, their bills, their house repairs and...well you get the picture they are people just like you and I. After they have taken all of your details they file them into a computer program which inappropriately  matches you to a job which does not fit your needs, interests  or skills.
3. The person working at the job centre goes home at 5pm and does not take your file with them. They will not spend the evening pouring over job vacancies that will match perfectly to your needs and they will be faced with another several hundred ‘you’s’ the next day and so the cycle continues.
4. The only real thing resembling a government is a set of buildings and a decree. In our case it’s the Magna Carta and for America it’s the Bill Of Rights and the Constitution. There is a ‘Bills Butchers’ I use that as an example because when an independent business person starts a small business, it rests on that person and when you go to the business and ask to speak to 'Bill', chances are that you get to. If you go down to the local government office and ask to speak to the government, besides looking at you quizzically, you might get to speak with the clerk or they will ask what part of government you wish to address and when that is decided you will be put on a waiting list and then passed over to an intern and...well you get the idea.

Let me explain at this point that I am not a negative person or down on the government, but I do marvel at people who say that we are owed something. Things like schools or medical coverage or housing or a job and so on. My question is to them, who owes us these things and if it is in fact the government then who within that government is responsible and in fact accountable to give it to us?

I will finish by asking this question: If we are ‘Owed’ things and we have the ‘Right’ to things and if two people are born at the same time, which one has the right and  which one has the responsibility to give it to the other?

Live Passionately, Ask Why!

Watford 10K Both Humbled and Inspired.

Humble and Inspired

Today I took part in the Watford 10K along with approximately 900 other runners of varying skills and ages. We ranged from three to seventy five plus and varied in athletic abillity
from part run part walk, to club level almost sprint. The fastest time was a full 100% faster than my time which I might add I am still very proud of in 1 hour 12 minutes.

I feel humbled that given my age of 60 in August, there were athletes much stronger placed than I, some fifteen years my senior and I also feel inspired that I was able to be part of that experience.

There were mothers, fathers, grandparents and children and at least one athlete who was blind who inspired me all the more and again humbled me as she passed on my left holding the arm of her running partner.

The fastest time was 37 min 15 seconds and the final athlete to victoriously cross the line was 1 hour 5. The value was not in the time but n the taste of victory that we participated and rose to the challenge knowing others did not. Today many people took on their demons and beat them. For some it is physical for others age. There blind athletes and some in wheelchairs. Some of us are confronted with the voice of doubt that says "Quit" and others of us have that nagging little voice of self worth saying "Who do you think you are that you should take life by the tail and win?"

Everyone has a moment of doubt in their life and it is is the choice we make at that moment which determines the outcome of our future. I encourage you to make brave choices and live your dreams and if the voices of doubt and reason keep talking in the background, invite them along for the ride, just don't pay them any notice.

With aching legs and a soaring heart I will go to bed a happier person tonight.

Happy Running!

That Thing Called Prenthood

I have three children, they are 28,18 and 8. My life has been spread out over six decades and these are the gifts that I treasure the most. My partner in crime of course my wife, but I hope that goes with our saying after 25 years of marriage.

No one of these children are the same and yet they all three are so alike. There is some of me in all of them, something I find quite humbling and there are qualities and traits they all have common to the other. I have found that life is a short journey on the road of forever and parenthood is the most marvalous thing that has happened along the way.

A Brief Fleeting Moment of

Parenthood

Look to the farthest star

And brighter than that are you by far

Or quietly listen to the running brook

That gently passes like the book

The one you read to loose your self

Don’t leave your heart upon some shelf

But share the light that is that star

The one that shines within you

Brighter by far

Look

Look to the farthest star

Huffing loudly!

Big and proudly!

Like a storm in tea cup

Roaring at the world

Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

How do we make the leap

From child to woman or man?

How do we let the love of others

Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers

Guide us, through this sullen time?

Without surrender or bed at nine?

“I know! “ You say. "I know."

So quickly now the days have slipped away

And awkwardly I fumble, to find the things to

say

For a precious moment it was you, and me and

Pooh

So quickly have the days gone by

And I look for things to do

To try, and take my mind, off loosing you.

I know you’ll always be my little child.

But for one brief, fleeting, beautiful moment,

It was just you, and me, and Pooh.